Wednesday, May 25, 2005

A Personal Letter Addressed To:

Dear Office Cleaning Man, I see you, YES YOU. I know that you come in here twice in the evening and people even say you are around here in the morning. I would not know because at those uncivilized hours I am still trying to bunny hop someone in my dreams. But I know this to be fact because after you leave I put more garbage in my bin, cause woooo hooooo- I AM STILL HERE, and it is gone in the morning. More importantly I know this because things move on my desk. Sure I believe (well kinda) in some form of supernatural (vague that up a bit more please…) but them they have a life, they do not move my phone so that it traps my keyboard and mouse cords thus making me twitch in the morning. If they did that they would want to be here and watch my ass twitch. NO I KNOW it is you. I also know you are a thief. That is right I am calling you a THIEF! You have been stealing my empty water bottles. The ones (as in three of them alone this week) with no lids that I use to get refills from the cold water tap they have here at work. This… THIS is NOT funny anymore. HINT HINT, if I am repeatedly leaving one there it is because I WANT IT. I am TRYING to loose some weight here. I know I require a hard helmet, elbow, knee and wrist protectors before I am allowed onto the short bus, and I know it seems counter intuituive that I, feeling like a water retaining seacow and wanting to loose what I hope is water weight would drink more water but that is what my fancy schmancy certification by the Murkin Sports Medical Clique told me, so I am trying to combine that Snickers breakfast with water to be all healthy and shit. So this little game you are playing, it is TOTALLY screwing with my vibe. I know you must think that this is something funny, but it is not. I say this on authority as as an ex-pat living abroad I can tell you with certainty that I entertain astonishingly easily. Trust me THIS, it is as hilarious as making me; the one with a no notice, squat on a toilet or not... bladder that stores like a camel, perform the patented "I got to go pee-pee, Yeah you know me" dance for my colleagues while waiting for an elevator to take me down 20 floors to get to a toilet; since you want me to listen to a symphony of JACKHAMMERS "fixing" ours and the 5 floors above and below us, that I can access, toilets AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME FOR THE WHOLE DAMN WEEK. Therefore I kindly request that you STOP IT NOW, as I am not entertained in the least by you fucking up my mornings like this. This is your last warning, no more of this polite Bonne Soirée crap. Steal another one and I will have to hurt you. And by that I dont mean maim I mean mutilate. Seriously one more time and I will lop of your hand, and go all consular on your ass or something. Bien Cordialement, Tink


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tink - you are not alone in this bloody life of lurking janitors who think! they are doing their job. I too, once worked in an office where the unknown janitor would constantly throw away my coffee cup (you used to could get a free! refill with one) no matter how well I hid it- which means the janitor was nosing around. Not even the calls to the building management or notes left clearly on the used cup did any good - nope, the next morning my heart would sink as I never could find my cup...(Good golly, are offices in Paris like that where you go far for the ladies' room?) Terry in SF

2:27 PM  
Blogger superstahr said...

LOL! I have an even worse problem. We have recyling bins outside our office and (I'll admit it) sometimes I'm just too damn lazy to walk out there to throw something away so I will put it in the bin at my desk. In the morning when I come in the next day, I will find the empty recyclable sitting in the middle of my desk. He's still here when I come in and he never says anything about my lack of recyling, but that empty bottle on my desk say it all. He will also do this with things he thinks you didn't mean to throw away. Like the time I threw away a new magazine that I didn't like and didn't order. Next day... middle of my desk. Old water bottle that has funky smell that won't wash out... middle of my desk next morning. Ugh! LOL!

9:51 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

You're not alone. Our janitor staff would do the same thing - randomly, though. You can keep a bottle for days - the suddenly POOF! gone.

Its worse when the window washers come by... they move everthing away from the windows in interesting directions!

1:29 AM  
Blogger Zardra said...

The cleaning people in my office building seem to like to dust randomly and knock all my things over. A couple years ago, I had a pretty dragon that clung to the corner of my monitor. I came in one morning to find it in pieces scattered on the floor of my cube... they didn't even bother to pick it up after they broke it. *sigh* I'm still trying to figure out where this dust they are supposedly cleaning is.

1:47 AM  
Blogger FaerieLady said...

You make me giggle, m'dear Tink... LoL

Oh I got my package!! I'm gonna post pics on my blog in a little bit but just wanted to drop by and say you're AWESOME!

2:48 PM  
Blogger Amelia said...

Argghhhh - it's seems as though we're going to have to start a 'Water Bottles Anonymous' - It drives me mental. Especially as I particularly like the 1L bottles (0.5L is too small and 1.5L is too big to hold) and they're hard to get here. I too have left notes, post-it notes and stickers on the bottle.

Maybe they know they are messing with us and enjoy it.

A.xx (PS when are you coming to play over here??)

11:38 AM  

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