Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Lesson Learned

OK I get it, the Knitting Goddess has made it apparently clear to me as to why some people are partial to knitting both sleeves at the same time. Really I GET IT. This is why the smart kids, especially for patterned sleeves, knit them at the same time. Sure it takes “longer,” but it is infinitely better than realizing that you did this. Which resulted in cracking open a bottle of wine so that you would do this, producing one ugly hand wound ball of cotton, serious it looks like crap. Followed by enough determination to re-knit the sleeves while subjecting yourself to a Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dölph Lundgren movie (and I use that term lightly so as not to offend) to try and get close to the point you were at before. This is the point where you bring out the shooters to face down the devil that will appear when you have to do that shoulder shaping on them both at the same time (photo to be attached when I am not a dork and leave my cable at home) . Hoping that the devil will be nicer if you offer to let him do body shots. The good part of this whole thing is in desperation from that event, after confirming that the charger shouldn’t fry the computer, you found out you can make the computer charge. Hence you can watch one of your three DVDs!!! Unfortunately the charger is unreasonably temperamental and completely unpredictable. Moreover it is a Mac with a freaking QWERTY keyboard (not AZERTY like I use at work, meaning that before I clean up work is zork). This annoys the every fucking living hell out of me, I am not finding this entertaining. In.the.Least. RIGHT CLICK WORK, stewpid Mac!! Bang head against screen, then realize that isn’t smart- it isn’t your screen. Proceed to continue the invectives transferring them from the knitting to the movie to the computer. Then think damn you are psychologically damaged goods. But continue to shout at the blasted thing regardless- you are irreverent damaged goods! But make note to put out the call (or appel if you start writing Franglais like me) for assistance (or aide- see previous parenthesized commentary). Please send US coded DVD’s, so that I never have to watch anything as horrible as Universal Soldier again. Please! However if I left the story there it would be a pretty lame post with one hell of a pathetic ending. And while I can be lame, ending on that level of patheticness is beyond even my threshold. So I am going to walk you through the process, cause Margene will tell you and I agree- it is the process. So when you first face this realization, you ask yourself: Would that really bother you if you left it like that, it is at the seam of the sleeves... For those not aware this is the first step of denial for the compulsive perfectionists, it is rhetorical. You realize this justification floats as much as a French Fry in the pool (I say this as a joke. In teaching swim lessons for 10 years and having Pool Safety day we ask the kids- who it must be said I do miss- a series of questions. One being why don’t we eat food in the pool? Only to have my favorite three year old look at us with a level of seriousness unparalleled and say, from undoubted experience, cause French Fries don’t float… ok so that is a tangent- Back to the knitting). Instead you face up to your dippy the shit stick moment, thankfully with a glass of wine. Then you hesitate, which is the second stage of denial, thinking if you stare at it long enough you will make it disappear. That only gives you a headache and makes you dizzy. So you decide that you will rip back, and even though you aren’t a champion knitter you will document it. So without further ado I subject you to my attempt at a tutorial. I preface this with the fact that for me the hated part of ripping back is putting all those stitches back on the needles. I am sure someone else thought this up first, and probably could have done a better tutorial, but to avoid my patheticness we are going to show you the pictures of my Sunday afternoon and knitting. As I said above first you stare down your faux pas, wondering what made you thing that you should have done that? How could you have not noticed it? Why can't you count? Didn’t you pass remedial math before taking that econometrics course that you have blocked out (but could probably use given your current work situation…)? Then you decide you are genius! You will take another pair of needles and run them through the stitches close to where you want to rip back (no need to get cocky on this first try and go for the row you want- if you fuck up that would be a mess). Then you rip, rip, rip; notice that DAMN that cotton is KINKY. Then you play the leveling game to get the sleeves both to the same point. Continue putting the sleeves on the same needle, which is a bit small for this… Think you are close to trying this new thing out. Call yourself a few names and turn them around because you couldn’t line them up right the first time. Smile and knit your first go at the sleeves at the same time. Start muttering that this is fussy crap. Remind yourself that you are doing this so that they will match once done and suck up some more wine. After doing this you too can then turn your invectives towards the Météo lady who, after the publicité for the Bond movie you would have rather watched, tells you that the griselle shall be sticking around this week. And one step further that the cold (which came back with a vengeance this week) could stick around until mid-May. FUCK THAT BITCH, I am knitting a summery turquoise blue cotton three quarter length sleeved cardigan. Take note: Transference, it takes you everywhere! And when I start knitting summer clothes, do not predict temperatures at 1 degree Celcius!


Blogger Lauren said...

Congrats on sucking it up and ripping. I'm pretty sure I would've convinced myself it was totally fine.

9:19 PM  

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